The Amazing Spider-Man films are probably one the hardest watches I’ve had to do for a review. What made them so hard to sit through was not because they are the worst films ever made, but because they are forgettably bad. They are the plain white bread of bad.

After the disappointing reception of Spider-Man 3, Sony thought their best option was to reboot the series.

The first film in this new proposed series is, The Amazing Spider-Man, directed by Marc Webb and released in 2012.

This film follows the beginning of Peter Parker’s (now played by Andrew Garfield) journey to becoming Spider-Man. 

With his newfound powers he’ll try to find out why his parents left him and form a relationship with a girl at his high school named Gwen Stacy (Emma Stone). On top of that he has to defeat the new super villain in town, the Lizard (AKA Dr. Curt Conners, played by Rhys Ifans).

Before getting into the major problems the film has, it’s fair to go over its good points.

One example of something that actually works in the film is Andrew Garfield as Spider-Man. While Toby Macquire was a better Peter Parker, he didn’t have that Spider-Man wit and charm, something Garfield has plenty of in the film.

For as little as he’s in it, Martin Sheen does a good job as Uncle Ben. He does a good job being stern while at the same time showing off enough charm and his loving side that makes the audience like him.

While The Lizard is not the best written antagonist out of all the films, Rhys Ifans does well in showing the audience how, when he’s not a giant lizard tearing through New York, is a good person. It helps that he actually went out of his way to really get down the mannerisms and the way people with only one arm live their daily lives, by hanging out with people who are missing one.

Gwen Stacy and Peter Parker’s relationship is believable, with both actors having great chemistry with each other. She’s also not just like a damsel in distress like Mary Jane was in the original films, she actually helps Peter in his crime fighting crusade.

But that’s pretty much all the good parts the film has. The rest is just a mess.

The big problem the film suffers from is it’s terrible writing. The film was written by three writers, and it shows.

While Spider-Man is handled well enough, Peter Parker took a serious knock in the likeability department. Peter in this film is a moody, self-centered, show-off and a complete jerk to his friends and family.

Early in the film Uncle Ben asks him to pick up Aunt May (Sally Field) from work after he had to come down to school because Peter destroyed school property. And not only does Peter completely forget about it, Uncle Ben practically has to drag Peter into giving May an apology.

Another example is after Uncle Ben dies, he completely ignores what his Aunt May is going through, and acts almost completely cold to her. This causes May to worry about his health and mourn her husband at the same time, all because he can’t be bothered to tell her what he’s going through. 

As mentioned before, while The Lizard is well acted, his lines leave something to be desired. 

To be specific, his plan makes zero sense, he wants to release a gas that’ll turn everyone into a lizard like him, but as the film has shown time and time again it only works for around 24 hours. So at worst, the people of New York will have a wild story to tell their in-laws about how they were once lizards for a day.

The film is also host to the worst kind of mystery writing – a mystery where it’s clear that the writers wanted to build an intriguing mystery, but had no idea what the resolution or solution is. Those questions being, why did Peter’s parents leave him at a young age? Why did Peter’s dad not want Ozcorp to get the serum he made? what did he do to earn their ire? Never explained – questions that are to be answered by other writers in different films.

Another problem the writing suffers from is that it takes itself way too seriously. This story is about a teenage boy with spider powers fighting a giant lizard, yet almost every scene is acted and shot in a serious tone.

The Sam Raimi films had it right the first time. While it had serious moments, it also showed the audience time and again that they know this concept is silly.

But as mediocre as The Amazing Spider-Man is, it’s not as bad as The Amazing Spider-Man 2.

The film is again directed by Marc Webb, and stars all the actors from the previous film.

This film takes place two years after the first film. Peter Parker (still being played by Andrew Garfield) is having a hard time as of late. 

His relationship with Gwen Stacy (Emma Stone) is on the rocks, as he’s having to try to balance his duties as Spider-Man with spending time with her, and the guilt of breaking the promise he made to her late father about keeping Gwen out of his life for her protection.

As if things couldn’t be worse, some new villains have come to make his life even more difficult. The first is Electro (AKA Max Dillon, played by Jamie Foxx) an obsessive fan turned villain, who’s made out of pure electricity. The second is the Green Goblin (AKA Harry Ozborn, Dane DeHaan), Peter’s childhood best friend who’s dying from a genetic disease only found in the Ozborn family. 

This film has even fewer positives than the first one. 

Andrew Garfield still has Spider-Man’s snark down pat, and is a little less of a jerk to his friends and family. He even has some heavy emotional scenes that he has to act too, and completely sells it. 

Gwen Stacy is still a competent love interest who isn’t just a damsel in distress, most of the time.

But aside from that, the rest of the film is a mess, and suffers from the same problem that Spider-Man 3 had, that being a script that’s stuffed with too many subplots.

Peter’s relationship with Gwen goes from believable to creepy, when he admits to stalking Gwen, even after breaking up with her. The fact that she ends up with him again after this is head scratching and makes little sense.

Both Jamie Foxx and Dane DeHann are talented actors but both have almost nothing to work with.

Before becoming evil, Foxx comes off as a creepy obsessive fan who really needs to get out more, and is really chewing the scenery. 

After getting his electric powers they try to make him a tragic villain that the audience can sympathise with, but his reasoning for turning evil makes little sense and comes out of nowhere. His “tragic” reason for turning evil is that Spider-Man didn’t immediately recognize him, and while they were in Times Square, all the cameras focused on Spiderman instead of him. That’s it.

Green Goblin is in a similar situation to Electro, where they try to make him sympathetic but completely fail. 

First of all, it turns out that he and Peter are childhood friends. This comes out of nowhere and is never mentioned, shown, or alluded to beforehand, making it difficult for the audience to sympathise over Peter fighting his best friend. 

Secondly, he almost completely loses it after Spider-Man refuses to give him his blood, which might be the key to making a cure for his disease. This causes him to try an untested serum, causing him to go Green Goblin and be completely insane.

The problem is, he’s acting like it’s all over and that he has no choice but to take the untested serum without Spider-Man’s blood. But his father lived till his 50s before the disease killed him, and he’s in his 20s. There’s still plenty of  time to find a different way to convince Spider-Man or try to find a cure that doesn’t involve blood from a random masked vigilante.

Both villains also suffer from the Spider-Man 3 villains problem. There’s too many of them, not allowing them to really leave any lasting impact or really develop. 

Electro is the villain in the first act, then is captured, then Harry becomes Green Goblin, and then he breaks him out and they team up. Throughout the entire second act, Electro is nowhere to be seen, and is randomly brought back for the finale.

I didn’t even mention The Rhino (AKA Aleksei Sytsevich, played by Paul Giamatti) who literally shows up at the very beginning and end of the film. This completely wastes Giamatti, a great actor who has only minutes of screen time.

The mystery set up in the previous film isn’t any more resolved in this film than in the previous. The film still doesn’t explain why Parker’s dad was so diehard on making sure that Ozcorp didn’t get the serum he made for them. 

The mystery ends up taking a turn to the ridiculous, where after placing specific quarters into a very specific quarter station in an abandoned subway a train cart rises from the ground, that’s actually Peter’s dad’s old laboratory, where he left a message for him. And the film takes it completely straight.

And so we are left to wonder if he was a scientist or a James Bond Villain? Or if a DVD that Uncle Ben and Aunt May were to give him at a certain age is really too much to ask for?

Both Amazing Spider-Man films are a mess, filled with writing that takes itself too seriously, a mystery that’s nonsensical, and weak villains.

Patrick hopes to some day be the Spider-Man of the world wide web.