The Student Newspaper of Highline College

Denys’s weekly wonders: StarDate 1/11/2024 – “Groundbreaking news”

Denys Matsyk Staff Reporter Jan 11, 2024

In a groundbreaking discovery that has left conspiracy theorists scratching their heads, scientists have confirmed that the Earth is indeed round. Yes, you read that right – round! Despite centuries of evidence, some individuals still clung to the idea that our planet was as flat as a pancake. But fear not, dear readers, for the truth has prevailed.

In a stunning display of common sense, researchers from around the globe gathered their globes (yes, those spherical objects with accurate depictions of Earth’s shape) and announced that the planet is not, in fact, a giant frisbee soaring through space. Flat-earthers everywhere are reportedly questioning their life choices and wondering if they should invest in some basic geography lessons.

In related news, gravity has been found to be more than just a good idea, it’s the force that keeps us from floating off into space. Who would have thought? We’d like to extend our heartfelt apologies to those who believed that gravity was just a ploy by the government to keep us all grounded.

So, dear readers let’s raise our glasses to the scientists who unveiled this mind-blowing revelation.